if another girl says "im usually cleaner down there" I'm just going to shoot myself
Her "get-your-paper-done-early-blowjob" incentive is the thing that has successfully deterred my procrastination
sitting next to michael phelps in the airport. wonder if he's carrying...
Just got my econometrics book in the mail and started flipping through it. Our Thursday parties may turn into u convincing me not to kill myself.
The only good thing about this is that the pharmacy guy will stop trying to add me on Facebook.
He's German, so by default he gets to fuck me.
like i literally can feel my uterus getting frustrated at me for not being pregnant.
It's an open bar. I'm gonna be gone when you get here.
Text me the address now before you're too drunk to text English.
He was talking up his golf swing like other guys talk up their dick. Is this adult dating or just another flavour of douchery?
Wow. Last night.
I knew you were shit blasted when you called me your "sunflower queen"
my mom snuck into my room, washed her clothes and made her breakfast. what the fuck she's a better boyfriend than I am
I thought about mashed potatoes the whole way home
I was christened with Fireball shots by some guy at the bar. I'm practically Jesus now.
Woke up next to a half eaten Philly Cheesesteak. Honestly probably one of the top 3 things I've ever woken up next to.
When was the last time you got laid?
When was the last time you came home sober?
touche
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