Dude. Creed is coming in september.
We're no longer friends.
When you get home we need to compare our schedules and set up masturbation slots. I'm scares of you walking in on me. Again.
Just walked in on the Yellow Ranger getting porked by a guy in a UD Blue Hen costume. Will somebody PLEASE think of the children.
that awkward moment when your booty call gets snowed in at your place.
They're calling for 20 inches of snow but I'll have a dirtbike for emergency trips to the liquor store. Even if I crash it won't hurt.
there is a strobe light in my taxi. in what way is this safe.
Plus now I feel weird sleeping with you. It's like shooting a three legged deer. It's already at a disadvantage and couldn't get what it's full potential deserves.
I HAVE NEVER BEEN FRIENDZONED IN MY LIFE AND THIS GIRL IS GOING TO MAKE ME QUESTION EVERYTHING. LIKE A GODDAMN CUNT. A WONDERFUL, BEAUTIFUL, MAJESTIC, LESBIAN CUNT.
I am drinking green tea.... My liver is in shock
How bad would it be to ask my maintenance man for new blinds because the dude puked on those too?
For both our sake, we've decided to ban watching combat sports before sex
He ain't mine yet. Gotta have a third date before I pee on him and mark territory.
Oh. Wait. That happened on the second date.
He serenaded me say anything-style with Weird Al songs and then blew me on the beach. I'd say he's a keeper.
So I had Xanax for breakfast & I'm probably going to fuck my tennis instructor.
No one knows how to work that "I pulled a muscle in my leg" drunk swagger like you can
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