I just asked my hair stylist how many percocets she'd do my hair for.
If we have to be apart I understand. Being separated is probably best for our relationship now. I look forward to our booty calls.
you got thrown out for pissing in a cup in the corner. you told one guy it was okay because you went to college and that he wouldn't understand
Well I tried to steal a golf cart. I fought with the Chick-Fil-A cow. And other things.
and i'm going to kill you for what you did to my nipples last night. of course i want to hang out
I understand why they say don't drink the water in Mexico... I just saw 5 guys piss upstream of where the bar tender went to get the water
Just sharpening my eyeliner with a butterfly knife. You know. Typical weekday morning.
Great news! In less than 2 hours, I'm ripping your underwear off with my teeth!
I'm sad that I feel like I need to temporarily change your name in my phone from Smashley until you have the baby and can be unsober with us again.
Yeah, I've hit on priests at bars, too. Such a shame, there are a lot of hot men out there who've devoted themselves and their glorious genitalia to the Lord -_-
THERES A FUCKBOY IN MY PERSONAL SPACE
GET IT AWAY FROM ME IM ALLERGIC
Just shared a bacon biscuit with my cat.... Life is weird for me right now
the wedding party just walked in to the song eye of the tiger. i'm getting drunk.
not even sure this counts as hungover but like my body can't exist in reality today
I WILL go to space. And if we find aliens I WILL fuck one. It’s the Marine Corps way
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