I just woke up to a lawnchair covered in lipstick. I'm wearing red lipstick. What happened and is the tequila?
so the guy who showed me the apt today is now texting me and asking me out for drinks...he's at least 20 yrs oldr than me and highlights his hair, but part of me is wondering how low i can talk him down in rent during sex? wrong?
He was sucking on my finger.... and it was at that moment that I thought: Man. I wish I had a penis.
of all the people in our graduating class, this is exactly who would get pregnant.
You just kept insisting that you and the homeless man went way back, and that you bonded over how cold you both were.
Would it be in bad taste to ask Marky Mark to sign the vibrator I named after him?
Dude, I went home and roller-bladed into her bedroom so I didn't have a 'walk' or shame in the morning..I wouldn't talk to her unless she refereed to me as Brink
Biggest penis I've ever pity fucked
Just re-gained consciousness in the freshman girls dorm. Normally this would be awesome but I'm on the floor surrounded by chicks doing their homework. This makes me uncomfortable but I don't think they know I'm awake yet. If I b-line for the door can you come get me?
i'm going to invent a mini fridge that can hang from faucets so i don't have to get out of the bathtub anymore for a cold beer. its a million dollar idea
Dude. You stood in a corner laughing your ass off while folding clothes, facing the wall. Yes, they were weed brownies..
There something liberating about walking through the dorm hallways without pants on.
seriously considering getting an electric blanket rather than sleeping with guys this winter for warmth.
I think I'm dead. Also I think I stole $20 from a stripper.
You did. Then gave it to me.
I was writing 'DISTRACTION' across my chest in Sharpie when my boob fell out. Right on camera.
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