new number. flushed my phone last night when i puked, made B help me look for it for 2 hours.
The only thing I've had to eat today was the half eaten sausage biscuit I found on my chest when I woke up this morning.
You know you're true friends when you can talk about what sexual diseases you may or may not have.
just wanted to thank u for shitting in my dads bidet last night. i had to manually scoop ur shit out of it. btw ur dumped.
I feel like i made up for not being able to drink on St Pattys Day, Mardi Gras, and last years Cinco De Mayo. That hungover.
he got promoted. that means i have now given my new boss chlaymida. i need a new job.
I hit a bug from across the room with my flip flop boomerang style. That awesome.
Two penises later: I might be straighter than I think.
you both peed in the photobooth after the pictures were taken.
I will come to your office dressed as a bloody mary, hug you then leave is that a good plan?
yes. bring a barf bucket too. just. in. case.
We had hangover sex and then I called a taxi home. Told him I didn't want his number because, if it was meant to be, we would fuck again. He called me the queen of one night stands.
The next time you fuck up, your grandma sees your dick pics
Hahaha idk what's worse your life or my hangover.
Nahh no judgin. Compliments to the balls are always heartfelt
He told you he loved you. Then you wanted to find a chainsaw to cut his dick off.
Randomize
