I may or may not have just irish jigged at a bar. And broken out in a sweat from it. Not a good sign for that marathon yo.
How drunk are you??
I'm flawless.
So I had sex in the woods... it was just as dirty as you'd expect it would be.. and not in a good way.
Note to self: when drunk try to remember that ctrl, alt and dance doesnt exist on a keyboard.
A slipped finger up the butt isn't the end of the world
In one night, this kid threw a firecracker under a fucking cop car, crashed three seperate parties, and passed out in a tree in our backyard. Do you even know who he is?
Dude I am not desperate enough to pay my dealer in change. Maybe tomorrow.
I guess I fell on the bar and kept trying to get back in telling the bouncer that I left my teeth at the bar. Woke up this morning with chipped tooth
That awesome feeling when you are pooping on the same toilet that nobel laureates have pooped on
She made me walk a straight line to prove i was sober enough to help carry you to the car
Knowing you it was perfect out of spite. Like. A line straighter than YOU
I was woken up at 6 am by a second grader trying to give me a sweatshirt for a pillow
So like, boobs.
are you really going to start every conversation like that?
Something I can get at drive through, boobs out, don't want to get out of the car
Keep in mind this was 2012... YOLO was a very new concept.
Where you at? Come home and endure this shit show called "The Second Presidential Debate".
Randomize
