I know she is the girl of my dreams bc she orgasmed, rolled over and then asked if I knew that Orlando beat Cleveland.
well we can cross tagging a chick in a movie theatre off the list of things to do before we die
basically at this point ill snort whatever you put in front of me and just hope
I was just walking down the hall and passed a very pregnant girl wearing a shirt that said "blame it on the aaaaaa-alcohol." I can't decide if she's brilliantly witty or just pointing fingers.
Lets have the type of night where its 5am and one of us has definitely punched someone who has been on a Disney Channel show.
And know that if I ever text "road head?" that it comes from a place of caring and not a place of heartlessness..
Just fucked a MILF from Alaska. I love traveling.
Some guy was coming onto me last night and in the middle of it all he said: 'It literally says this on my birth certificate: Francis Coburt: The Guy Who Can Pull Two Beers Outta His Pants Like Magic.'
Beans, may the odds of a nip slip and drunken make out session be ever in your favor
I responded with "neat-o burrito" to his SEXT...he tried so hard and I just panicked.
I forgot my backup drink is supposed to be pedialyte and vodka. Add in the shit I'm losing as I drink. Win-Win right?
We literally laid down in the back of my car and had sex in a parking lot and it was in the top 3 best moral-less decisions I've made.
So it turns out strippers do encores if enough people yell. Encore song: Self Esteem.
I felt the need to set off fireworks in the living room while they were having sex upstairs. Yes, they quieted down.
There’s a stripper dressed like a slutty pilgrim. Is that a thing?
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