Yea, forget your mom. She will be home after her one night stand.
I'm good, just tired from chardonnay and giving hand jobs.
besides im still about 80% sure that im eskimo brothers with jerry springer
I left him a voicemail saying i went through with the abortion and he texts me back one thing... the bbm "phew" face. really?
Her exstacy made her nickname everyone David. Nobody knows who the fuck she's talking to so we just say no to everything she says. She's crying.
You sprayed lysol all over me. You said that my soberness was infecting your night.
That makes the second boyfriend of hers that I've fucked. I'm gonna start keeping an eye on every guy she even speaks to. Girl is my sexual rabbit's foot.
When the shrooms kicked in we both simultaneously realized we were not the right puzzle piece for the dubstep puzzle.
We made eye contact and were like we are not welcome here, the ravers are onto us and we need to get the fuck out before we get shuffled upon
That point of drunk where you're in a bar bathroom and you're like "F*ck you bra! I'm not taking your sh*t anymore! and you take it off and throw it in a trashcan.
You force fed me pizza in bed last night. That was fun
did i make more ranch sandwiches last night
you had 4
I just found a voice recording from Tanya's bachelorette party when we found you drunk in downtown being harassed by a crazy dude dressed like a clown and we rescued you. Attached is a voice recording of me interviewing you after we found you. I titled it Carlos Batman.
I need you to go into my room and get some pants then bring them and four band aids to Sam's apartment no questions
I'm pretty sure the guy who was grinding on me while I was trying to get a drink at he bar was one of my tinder matches
Just test drove the kilt for Justin's wedding. NEVER. WEARING. PANTS. AGAIN.
Randomize
