we ate a 40 pack of string cheese and watched an entire washing machine cycle.
Chick stood right next to me in the elevator. Like she had the whole elevator and she stood right next to me. So I farted.
I keep having to talk dad out of putting tequila in the milkshakes.
I hid a girl's boot last night so I could ransom it back this morning via the "blowjobs for boots" program.
You insisted on squirting shots of captain morgan in your mouth with a turkey baster by like 930.
I imagine I kinda look like a banana with one boob out.
I'll make some time for you! I don't know how long you need to get off, but I should only need 2-7 minutes, pending what kind of socks I have on.
My roommate is downstairs drunk, smoking, and listening to a self help DVD. Please dear God don't let this be the Ghost of Christmas Future.
I achieved the level of drunk I wanted even with the length of dress I was in..
He literally cried into his tacos and screamed fuck bitches. Don't know if it was the best, or the worst hook up, ever.
the people next to us at the red light cheered for you while you puked out the window...
I'll say this one last time. You are TWENTY FIVE YEARS OLD. You are not going to die alone and this is not the twilight of your life. Stop taking shrooms on your period!!!!
LIKE ALL I WANT TO CURE MY HANGOVER IS PORKROLL AND LIKE 85% OF THIS COUNTRY DOESN'T KNOW WHAT IT IS
Putting a bow on your dick doesn't make it a real present
I told him it was fine and then I keyed his car.
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