I got us kicked out of the bar because the waitress found me in the kitchen trying to make spaghetti
her orgasm sounded like a fucking walrus crying.
he smelled like listerine and beef tacos
I don't drink during the week.... well, except for Bailey's Tuesdays, which I have to start implementing further.
VODKAVODKAVODKAYESSSS
The barista asked if I wanted my drink wet or dry, but all that came to mind was farts. You have ruined me.
If you want to borrow my flask for all future interviews as a good luck charm because your last one went so well with it in your suit pocket, just let me know
he spent an hour trying to convince us that Ted Nugent is Kid Rock from the future. by the end of it i was very close to believing him.
We all make mistakes. Just lock them up deep down inside your mind so they can surface as weird sexual fantasies it takes your therapist years to decipher when your 40
Bring beers. The password is "I brought beers" but you can't come in if you're a liar
Everything smells like vodka and bologna. WHAT DID YOU DO?
You don't realize it's a small world until your ex girlfriend's dad unintentionally messages you on grindr..what.the.fuck.
He's so twisted that he's acting out Dragon Ball-Z by himself. The Tanquray and THC combo doesn't play around.
I WILL KICK YOU IN THE FUCKING THROAT IF YOU EAT MY FUCKING ICE CREAM.
R.I.P my virginity. TOD 12:37pm
Randomize
