you traded sex for a burrito?
I called her a whore. 15 minutes later she gave me head at arby's while i was eating a roast beef. best afternoon ever
im returning my roomates shirt with a "i got laid in this" thank you note
i don't think my family understands the severity of a twenty first birthday.
the recent google searches were "were can i buy a porn horse, why does my heart hurt after drinking, and orlando's teen night..." your thought process perplexes me
Dude you picked up her Chihuahua and threatened to kill it yelling "it's not cinco de mayo, bitches"
Fuck it dude, we gotta bounce before she starts talking about her steve irwin conspiracy
Good news: he out-ran the campus police. Bad news: they were chasing him toward the REAL police.
Didn't get laid. But got a free pie from a waitress. A whole pie.
I mean you can't really blame him. He's named after whiskey and I don't get along with pants.
you told the taxi driver your yeast infection was so bad you wanted to F a popsicle
I'd marry him just to keep his penis in the country
I'm determined to sit on that face.
slept at my ex’s house last night and as i was leaving his brother was sitting there on the sofa and said “bet you regret that one don’t ya”
Ugh. I need to go to the store, but I'm too lazy. Whatever shall I do? That girls still passed out. I should steal her car
Randomize