So can we just skip dinner and I'll just pay you for a blowjob?
Don't tempt me, I need beer money.
i have a dinosaur tramp stamp
Me + Nice restaurant + Copious amounts of booze + obscene comments to couples = valentine's day plans
she didnt realize that i was putting on the same condom i used the night before with some other girl
What's life without a lamp shade you wore home?
Definitely sounds like it's time for some eggs with a side of strap on
Guess who won a bet and gets to name it Optimus prime if it's a boy
Nevermind. Totally worth it.
The car just stinks of weed and we are all sitting here trying to hide it from my mom by rolling down the windows, like it's not coming off my sisters boyfriend
It was like giving head to a cactus.
its 2pm. u awake yet?
ill text u back later. still peeling fingernail polish off my face.
A sexy devil squat down and peed in front of Tom Hanks from Castaway.
I just woke up naked next to a GetGo sandwich and I can hear my cats are eating my combos. So that's my life.
My tinder date wouldn't stop talking about the Star Wars movie trailer long enough to fuck me. HOW IS THIS MY LIFE?!?
Someone threw up pink in the shower, there's a golf cart tipped over on the lawn and Cousin Brian is missing. What could Friday night throw at us?
I’m getting back at my ex and training my new boy toy how to properly satisfy a woman. I’m killing two birds with one dick.
Randomize
