i never told you how having a club foot got me laid
Why is there 6 cases of kwic trip dounuts dumped in my bed? Best 34 dollar wake up of my life
my dad's beating me at drinking again. No matter what i do I can't win.
i flashed his best friends last night
you always were good at making good first impressions
he made a joke about you fucking his daughter...i think youre golden
martini and pecan pie.. breakfast of champions.
you fully convinced the taxi driver that we were in a race
My hanfda are one with the u niverse and I am cirretnly inhaling a couch
I like the odds of his and my children being professional athletes too. To support me in my old age, see I do think about the future.
All right cuz right now I'm in one of those moods where the shear thought of doing anything more strenuous than making a sandwich has me wanting to curl up in the feeble position and splash around in a puddle of my own tears.
Excuse me hold on, hooking up with someone who is verified on twitter is like being important.
Right now Tom has the 2nd floor office bathroom under siege. He shit/clogged one toilet, and he's throwing up in the sink.
As a gentleman whose genital hole is relatively small, you could imagine my reaction
Can we go out and get blitzed in celebration that they'll be no more surprise kids
I just found those cheese sticks in my purse. Along with a handful of confetti.
Randomize
