anyone who buys me chipotle gets an automatic hj
I just talked to a CEO of a fortune 500 company while pooping. I LOVE being self employed.
just thinking about him makes my vagina shudder.
My mom said she was relieved to see that I'd gained some weight bc she's "always worried" that I might have AIDS.
Her friend drew me a diagram of how we could get away with her giving me a blowjob at work.
You were passed out on the chair and when I asked you if you were okay you looked up and said "I'm fine, I was just pretending for a picture" then passed out again.
2 things. 1. I just gave her a 6 hour long marathon fucking for America. 2. Thought of a new invention halfway through, and it's flawless.
I have to stop drunkenly making out with guys just because they're tall or have a beard.
No no don't get confused. We do chemistry homework on Thursdays. We screw on Fridays. Other than that, Words With Friends is our only communication five days a week. We are NOT dating.
The amount of guys who just came into the room to give me a high five after hooking up with him was about 5 too many.
We've been walking through the woods for two hours, he just keeps taking pictures. At least we'll remember this tomorrow.
The moment I was petting the giraffe was the moment I passed out
I figured if he was OK cheating on his gf with a guy, he'd be OK with me posting his number to m4m Craigslist Ads
as a self proclaimed hoe im ok with a lotta things but that is not fucking one of them
Reminder to self: never have sex on a trampoline. Trampoline burn hurts worse than carpet burn.
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