we were just talking about designated drivers and i suggested we each hire a mexican day laborer to give us piggy back rides... i have the best ideas eveeer
ID DO HER
SHE HAS LUMPS OF DEODORANT IN HER ARMPIT, I THINK ONE FELL IN YOUR DRINK
you screamed 'he won't go on a date with me, but he gave me a free junior chicken'
well imagine, me dating the manager equals free junior chickens for everyone
I woke up this morning and the first thing i saw was the harry potter tattoo on his left butt cheek.
he was walking around the bar drinking wild turkey and gobbling simultaneously
My dad just passed me a joint.. this is a turning point in my life.
The crowning achievement of my weekend was hooking up with someone I'm at least facebook friends with.
yes, we have a friends with benefits thing. i found out he had never 69'd, done anal or had a threesome. i told him i was going to rock his world.
and what did he say?
there were no words. he looked like a kid on christmas morning.
He's blaming gravity for his problems right now, so put that in perspective
he said verbatim, he wants to "bang you hard".
Holy shit, Uber is testing a service to summon an ice cream truck.
Bring me the penis of the founder so I may endlessly fellate him. Or cunnalinge. I don't discriminate.
I love how you sexted me before you told me happy birthday. Thank you.
Just woke up to find that I'd left a stove burner on for the past 6 hours or so. I'm now banned from Ambien cooking.
Who else has a jello penis in their fridge?!
That moment when you’re at the doctor to give a sperm sample you’re only getting 3G so the porn is buffering
Randomize
