You did not just nickname me "Nipples".
He was singing "i gotta feeling" under his breath as i was pulling my top off.
These fall allergies are really hindering my cocaine habit.
Well, I just hope you know I had your best interests at heart when I put your sandwich down my pants.
hes wearing the same tie today that i tied him up with last night.i wanna go home
I'm sorry I can't get drinks with you. I have to make sure my dad doesn't go to jail.
I JUST MACED MY OWN FACE
This is by far the best text I have ever woken up to.
Check the bible. I hear he keeps his weed in leviticus.
Doing tequila shots with my ex to celebrate that we broke up... not awkward at all.
Itd be nice if there was a level of interest in me somewhere in between the indifference and obsession that I've only been attracting
Oh my god I found my bf's erotica
OH MY GOD HE WROTE THIS EROTICA.
OH MY GOD THIS IS GOOD EROTICA.
But forealz I'm gonna need a solid 52 orgasms so hydrate.
I gave my girlfriend a ring to celebrate our anniversary, she thought It was an engagement ring. Now im getting married and I don't know what to do.
I don't get a "my roommate is fucking you" discount?!
whatever. i just wanna get "forget my own name" wasted
no. you need to know your name so people know where to return you when you get lost.
Randomize
