This is clearly one of those "A hole's a hole" situations
we got back to my place and he started talking about feelings. i politely told him to leave and that he managed to cock block himself.
So for two years my friend Mark has been building a catapult in his basement. Yesterday he realized it's too big to get it out.
You need to give me a reason immediately why he is your friend.
I get drunk and say inappropriate things... you get drunk and sleep with inappropriate people. it's what we do.
Just found a hole in my wall with your left shoe in it.
1.) You left the rest of your whiskey here 2.) I drank your whiskey 3.) then made a steam roller out of the bottle 4.) Everything tastes like whiskey
I have grass duct taped all over my body
Whenever you're sad about your life, just remember that I'm on a first name basis with the late night taco bell drive-thru workers.
The funny part was that the cop pulled us over cause the park was closed, not because I had just come up from giving the guy a blowjob when the cop drove by.
Sorry, It's like OkCupid Olympics... categories: best sext, best dick pic, and most effort by ugly. You won gold in the last event if that makes you feel better.
The bump on my forehead, i think, was from falling asleep at front door, on my knees, slumped over. But we played good music so what?
I wish there was a morning after pill for dominoes.
Holy shit my cat won't leave the lube alone
He updated Facebook... "Got a new phone today." WHAT ABOUT THE FUCKING KID YOU HAD?!
She thinks I cheated on her 10 years ago in a past life lmao
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