mom asked me why i'm never sober at family events, i told her i learned it from her.
You know the gilmore girls would be alright if it was on mute the whole time
I don't know where my bra went.
Welll you ran into the street, took it off and yelled "I'm a free woman!". And then you threw it at some homeless guy.
There was a photo of his face glued to a lifesize Kim Kardashian cutout. By the end of the night he was doing shots out of medicine cups and making everybody hug it goodbye.
He literally said to me "go ahead and answer that text message while I eat you out"... Maybe I AM the relationship type...
As the guy I'm having sex with on the side I shouldn't ask you how to dump my boyfriend. But you are the most emotionally detached person I know.
I'm not as easy in Europe as I am in the US
Only because you can wipe your slut slate clean & start anew. It's a little known benefit of our currency exchange.
I'm staying in tonight, it's my Christmas present to my liver.
Charles Darwin would shit his pants if he saw that we managed to survive that weekend.
Its official the day you get back into town we are having a going away to jail party for me. My last wish before prison is to shit faced drunk with you, get into a fist fight, and then cuddle up and fall asleep. Just like old times <3
My neck kind of hurts. I think from sleeping on the concrete.
Just let me take your liver out and beat it with a meat tenderizer for you..
Did you take the bag w/your drugs & cookie cutter?
Also this time, I didn't have a random creepy guy come up from behind me, grab my junk, and whisper "where's the cocaine?" in my ear. So that's also a win.
I just saw a guy in a zippo shirt buy 2 gallons of fire starter fluid and then proceed to smoke a cigarette. I feel like hes got some big plans for his tuesday.
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