Theres a random in my bed. Omg but at least he's a law student?
hickory dickory dock, please dont tell me about your cock
Come over and help me clean up your so-called "winter wonderland" that you made with the fire extinguisher in the kitchen last night.
Just realized I'm marrying a man that's never gone down on me. What happened to my priorities?
She's clinging to me like a horny koala.
My only downfall is that I can only take shots in twos.
I told him id do anything with him and he said angry pirate? So I said okay. Never seeing him again.
What's an angry pirate?
You dont want to know. If someone offers say no. Never ever do the angry pirate. Ever.
I'm gonna rob all up in that cradle
Hey mom, soo do we have a family lawyer or am I on my own for that?
Mom just sent me an email. The subject line is "How to avoid a urinary tract infection"
LET IT GO MOM
my mom snuck into my room, washed her clothes and made her breakfast. what the fuck she's a better boyfriend than I am
I can't believe that after 9 years of signing things as "BATMAN", the first place to turn it down was the liquor store down the block.
I just had sex with the Sheriff's Deputy. You should call me.
Also epiphany: I gotta quit fucking with dudes that have never seen Harry Potter. They all turn out to be shitheads who probably eat honeydew.
That's the only way to watch Gumby. Either age 5 or high.
Randomize
