i just pissed myself at work. maybe they'll buy the old coffee spill trick
after you took your Demerol you started flying around and talking like the robot ship on the movie Stealth. then you licked my iPhone and declared the mission a success.
It's sad that I have started checking out the ring finger before the rack...I'm getting old
After I just paid $211 for my hair to be dyed and cut this guy at the bar said "I know you died your hair with koolaid, but I'd still fuck the shit out of you"
Yeah he kicked my ass... He probably wouldnt have hit me as hard though if I wasnt lauging and yelling " I fucked your sister I fucked your sister" over and over again.
For his 21st I'm getting a fancy hotel that way he can at least sleep in a nice bathtub
he opened up his "box of magic": a crusty tube of KY jelly, three expired condoms, a fingertip vibrater, and a jar of marshmallow fluff.
3 guesses about who had to still-drunkenly facilitate a fire drill at 2:40am because freshmen can't handle microwave popcorn.
Well duh, alcohol and getting fucked up are the world's common languages.
Like how hard is it to come up to me with chocolate and wine and say "hey, you're beautiful. Wanna marathon Doctor Who in sweatpants?" Hell yes!
I mean, I would have, but I couldn't come up with a logical reason to bring up oral sex during an orientation.
And they're not making a turkey. My cousin was "hoping to shoot a bird this week"
Im going to hell I gave him a handjob on the plane next, to an old guy playing video games on his iPad, on good friday.
I felt like I was selling my soul to satan but then I realized I already pawned it for drug money
I'm like a saiyan, every time I get trashed I come back stronger
Randomize
