I accidentally had sex with my boyfriend's twin last night...and he didn't stop me.
How was it?
Fantastic, but that's not the point.
Masturbating after my cheeseburger. It's unavoidable.
he found my favorite bra, 3 thongs and a pair of jeans and gave them back. i love move out day.
I get credit on the assist, you can thank me by taking a pic of her ass under the covers and sending it to me. It would make my YEAR
They didn't have a "sorry I was late for your birthday party because I was getting arrested" card.
He was just lying in his underwear like a present. I had to unwrap it.
so getting blacked out last night has made my lips so beautifully red for pictures today... and they say nothing good comes from alcohol
tell me you did not just describe yourself as "hot and bothered"
Come over. I have beer, your weird ass vegan pizza, and a raging hard on.
Marry me.
he just left the suite without pants on wrapped in Christmas lights
I've had to take two showers today and it's not even 1 o'clock. Why won't this weekend wash off?
My mom just came upstairs handed me an Adderall and asked if I could help her wash the ceilings
I was in a bad mood so I guilted her into giving me $100 on a weekly basis and now I feel bad but I don't know how to tell her I hustled her
You need to get a passport so we can carry our bad decisions over the border
I woke up in a boat, with a life jacket on, tons of beer cans and no lake... I was inside a garage. WTF
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