4:33 am: Sleep on left side of my bed. T-shirts are second drawer on left side, boxers top right. I don't wake up when lights are on so feel free in my room..
I've come to the conclusion that the only reason I fucked him was because he reminded me of Seth Rogen.
I read the police report. You asked the cop if you could use his in-car computer to update your facebook. No way you get out of a DUI.
It was like what a highfive between zeus and Jesus would sound like
Dude, totally just found out that I've been washing my hair with semen for the past 3 weeks.
I don't understand why we need a holiday to become more aware of boobs...
Silently passing ghastly beer farts as I move around the bridal department at Tiffany's. Call it my contribution to the holiday spirit.
her cat was choking so she kept trying to stick her finger in her cat's mouth while saying "it's okay kitty, just do what mommy does"
just threw up on my speech test, so much for a great semester
I told my dad that bagels were the equilelent of angels kisses and if he bought me one i would do a split
that's right. bitches got laser pointers. let's fuck shit up
I can always see lesbian subplot. It's my hero ability.
YOU WORK IN THE US CAPITOL! YOU CANNOT HAVE SEX IN THE BATHROOM!!
Dude, you are totally ruining intern season for me...
You HAVE to stop telling me about the shit you do drunk. I can't be both your brother AND your gay friend.
Dude someone puked in a bowl n put it in the fridge. I thought it was salsa! Who does that?
Randomize
