in the event that i am dead, my body is laying in the intersection of ... the pearl in springfield. it was my friend's 21st but i think i'm dead. wearing a black top. like i said, probably dead.
You know how you thought that you put on a condom last weel?
yea
turns out that you did...and i just found it.
I'm playing wingman, but I want to pull a Goose and die.
Yeah! I got cockblocked by the blizzard last night. Lost girl on way to my apartment. Not a joke
Even My mom was ashamed of me bringing her home, she pulled me aside, and told me i can do better than, "butter faces"
the cool security guard showed me the video clip of how i sat criss-cross-applesauce on the elevator for 20 minutes last night
New Years Resolution for 2011 : QUALITY cock. Not quantity.
I don't think it's considwred fine dining when you're passing out at golden palace in chinatown at 4 am with you boss who happens to be wearing a dress.
What's up with the fire hydrant in the laundry room?
The owner of this phone is no longer accepting texts from liars, assholes or married men. You figure out which one applies.
And then she said "wanna make a vine of me twerking on the wall?"
We celebrated our relationship by shotgunning beers on his lawn in our underwear. I may have to marry this man...
I don't think stranger penis made your tonsils bleed
I ate too many pot brownies and passed out topless with my boobs painted like the American flag
What doesn't this kid understand that our relationship is not going past the blacked out blowjob I gave him on his birthday?
Randomize