mornings like this make me wish i was morman.
dude, osama threatened the US again
dude. i slept with your sister last night
what?
I saw that as an opertune moment to drop some big news
Is King's over? Or do I still have to say 'On Matt's cock' at the end of every sentence on matt's cock?
So what if i ate it off the ground. Its like i found a five dollar bill just laying there, in burrito form.
By round 4 of the Dead End shots, I thought my jaw was dislocated ... Best invention EVER.
The last thing I remember is stabbing him with his diabetes medicine
at what point did you think saran wrap was a better alternative to shoes?
Also I just sneezed literally 12 times in a row so violently...boogers everywhere. Sorry to ruin the sexting. I just felt like you had to know
I sat on the bathroom floor yelling "hell hath no fury!" for about 20 minutes.
It's definitely revenge time.
I woke up at like 4 am with an old Korean woman cuddling me. I assure you she was not there when I went to sleep.
Actually, I may scrap this entire plan. I just realized that I had sex with a guy with his own whiskey commercial.
You're telling that to the kid drinking Jack in nothing but a graduation cap
he told me that I'm basically going to be the mom of the house when they move in...i like to see it as being a MILF without the responsibility of real children
He in a way got kinda cockblocked by Jesus
The night went downhill somewhere between the time I was triple fisting smirnoff and when I was throwing up in the yard in nothing but my bra while he talk to me about mashed potatoes
Randomize
