She was narrarating everything she did.. like while making toast.
YOU CAN RENT MIDGETS ON CRAIGS LIST
I told you not to ruin your birthday surprise!
and i think we compared dick sizes, then high fived...
there's a wings menu taped to my wall. don't tell me i don't have my priorities straight.
The last good decent convo we has was when I was trying to convince you to let me watch you pee.
she trying to cartwheel up the stairs... not going so well
To celebrate your birthday last night, I got drunk and sang drift away in buffalo wild wings. Happy birthday. The entire bar sang the chorus with me. It was magical.
Two things: Why did I wake up in a pool of blood? And am I still invited to the wedding?
No idea. And yes be here at 4
AT THIS RATE YOU WILL HAVE FUCKED MORE OF MY CLOSE FRIENDS THAN I HAVE PEOPLE PERIOD BY VALENTINE'S DAY.
MY BRAIN IS OSCILLATING. DOES THAT EVEN MAKE SENSE
it's like that moment that you're driving and realize you're lost except instead of driving i'm just sitting here in my living room drunk, eating a plate of sausages, drinking red wine and just thinking "i'm going to be 28 this year. i know people who are married, with beautiful and well behaved children. where was the wrong turn?"
He has an accent, blue cross AND gainful employment. Just saying, he's going to urgent care once I'm done with him
BOOM BITCH SERVES YOU RIGHT I HOPE YOU SHIT YOURSELF PETER PAN
You know the bunny onesie you sent me? Happy Halloween, I just did the hop of shame.
Her blowjob technique? Picture someone attempting to drink a triple thick milkshake through a Capri Sun straw.
Randomize
