The only thing I've had to eat today was the half eaten sausage biscuit I found on my chest when I woke up this morning.
I am paying my roommate as much of the electric bill in pennies as possible because I hate her.
im pretty sure all they do is fuck. and talk in baby talk. its two babys fucking basically.
It's happening again. I feel like I'm under water and my heart beat matches "Teenage Wasteland"
His housemate was playing a sad violin solo for me on my way out. God I hate musicians.
Just smoked out of an apple with Steve Jobs. I love Halloween.
Yeah. It's a great diet plan tho. Just have sex every time you get hungry.
By getting lucky do you mean I get one of your incredible BJs or you not killing me by the end of dinner?
Brandon's Recipe: two parts cocoa, one part sugar, one part milk, two parts four, 378 parts paranoia. Thanks for the fucking brownies, bitch.
I'm not sure... How do you tell someone who was so smashed they couldn't remember shoving their dick into the fireplace that their mother actually witnessed the whole thing?
Oh my god I found my bf's erotica
OH MY GOD HE WROTE THIS EROTICA.
OH MY GOD THIS IS GOOD EROTICA.
I'm going to have to include Angry Orchard in my thesis acknowledgements
He was imitating a sprinkler when he started puking. Hence- vomit sprinkler. Some people just can't handle their tequila
Thus began an intricate shell game of nude cardigan photos
I just watched your fat stupid son get hit by a Prius. Ran right in front of it. He's all right . But... Maybe you should have taught him to look both ways like a responsible parent does.
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