Sometimes I think my vagina thinks its a penis.
p.s. you have a small clit
YOU ARE THE MOST AWKWARD PERSON ALIVE.
That chode just called off the engagement. I just dropped his toothbrush in the toilet. And I’ve forgotten to take my birth control for the past two weeks. He’s fucked!
thanks for brining me home and putting me in my bed. the pillow fort your built around me is also appreciated.
proof that my night is going well: I can still open doors
I heard him crying and I heard him listening to porn... I'm hoping to God they weren't at the same time.
My chest hair is, as we speak, arching upward to embrace my neck beard. The union will be a storied one.
I'm using my dog as a pillow. He's cool with it.
Well pulled into the driveway, and there she was. Kinda like a Vegas version of the mint on a pillow
I'm owning this being a social human being thing tonight!
Remember the time you cried about coconuts
Nothing says Happy Thanksgiving like picking cocaine boogers out of your nose at your parents house.
Truth be told it's significantly easier to get over someone when they file a police report on you
I'm not wearing pants, but I'm wearing a tiara.
Ever look at an ex and wonder...was I drunk that entire relationship??
Yes, yes I do.
Randomize
