Who wears a wallet chain?!
I'm drinking keystone with a homeless man I found. It's making me feel uncomfortable.
so apparently mom and dad slept together on the first date
i guess it runs in the family.
For my job application I just put "community gardener- personal business" for my previous work experience in place of the neighborhood pot grower/distributor
sticking your hands in the toilet to wash your face is not acceptable. ever. i don't care how drunk you are.
370HSSV 0773H read that upside down
what are you doing with your life
Just found a note from Saturday that says "rainy soft hair".... Any ideas?
Sometimes I envy you, when I'm not praying for your soul.
One day her vagina is just going to shrivel up and seal itself with it's self preservation mechanism
Also, I want you to know, that not only am I apparently the expert on sexting. Our bishop is consulting me later. So my talents are varied.
Yelling at the starbucks lady to write Beyoncé on my cup
Oh you know, the usual. We had a good date, I took her back home, she took off my pants, laughed, and left.
I'm trying to find a fanny pack so I can bring pizza on my run
That sad moment when the drawer I used to keep condoms in now has poptarts in it..
I just found my phone after looking for it since yesterday afternoon it was in the fridge.
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