I can't remember last night. I must have yelled at your girlfriend til she cried again.
Yup.
The guy in front of me in line at Starbucks looks kinda like Danica Patrick except he has a huge boner.
I'm doing a half mile walk of shame carrying a trash bag and still very drunk. Save me. I feel like a refugee.
this is no time to have dignity 4/20 is coming
Dude how the fuck are we gonna get the lawnmower outta the pool?
Well, there are worse ways to make $50 at a gay club.
im pretty sure your bra is in my room hanging on my shark pinata
He chucked my pickle at the bouncer. Fucker, I wanted that.
she just called me the flavor packet to her ramen noodles. get me the fuck out of here.
We just got home a lil bit ago. No sorority girls showed except the ugly swimmer chick and she asked if I've ever faked an orgasm.
Last night I made the hotel shuttle driver take me to Walgreens for birth control, and Pringles.
They were both high priority
Do I need to call and sing lullabies? Because that's creepy, but I'm a really good friend.
You danced?!
I just jiggle to the beat like a sexy lava lamp
No I got a fucking mosquito bite on my vagina. Summer is off to a bumpy start.
you have to get here a cop came into the bar and she looks like Sarah Palin. I think I'm gonna try and bang her
Randomize
