I have got to lose weight!! Apparently no one wants to fuck a fat chick with herpes.
The only pictures he has from one of the biggest football weekends is an album titled "I miss my dog" filled with tons of pictures of his dog and him. This relationship must end.
Yep just saw a license plate that read "taint 2" which implies there is a "taint 1". Only in Florida
I guess I fist pumped too hard. I hit my mom in the face and now we're sitting in the ER.
When we told the nurse what happened, she replied with "OH, Well you don't look Italian to me!"
I woke up at 3am naked and stroking a watermelon.
Apparently I stole windex from the cab driver. Klepto Tom strikes again.
because i know somewhere at some party, behind someones closed bed room door youre being feed a key full of mollie.
Say what you will, but only I can throw up on someone's door and make it look like art.
That's the last time I'm letting you drink that apple vodka
I farted in his bed and then in my drunken stupor grabbed hair defanging spray to cover up the stench.
My liver appreciates your vow of avoiding matrimony
I knew he was a classy dude because when I told him my name was Jen he said "Gin? Like Gin & Juice?"
You left your hot dogs in my dresser again
he took my bra off with his teeth, THEN decided he just wanted to make out and cuddle. i don't know what the female version of blue balls is, but i've been living with it since 1 a.m.
It's not even 8pm on a Friday and I've already got a guy to tell me how big his penis is. Watched anything good on Netflix lately?
He’s over 6 feet has amazing posture and went to Harvard and has an awesome job and a great dick and loves Jesus and is an organ donor
Is this the guy you have listed as free food in your phone
Noooo he’s listed as free food #5
Randomize
