I CAN MOONWALK!
I just saw a man with a full beard and frosted tips
there is no god
can you blame him?
i blame him for everything, HE GOT ME PREGNANT
dude if Megan calls say you Sis was house sitting for me yesterday , she f'n found dana's panties
I brought up my Bobbly Flay drinking game in the interview. Of course I got the job.
If she asks the cat was vomiting before I fed it fried calamari
I was so high I told him we should rub faces and pretend to be wombats. He was surprisingly enthusiastic about it.
I CRIED after phone sex. Am I gay?
Embrace your curves. Cuz we're too poor for a coke habit.
So apparently I was a completely different person lastnight, one who drinks scotch and makes out with 55 year old men who look like inspector gadget
I found more straws in my beard this morning. Please stop doing that.
Well shit I mean if you get a bunch of cashed up drunk lesbians together in a casino, it's bound to go south at some point
Well I didn't spend $7 on an Uber just to get limp dick
She was cute in her own little way. Shit, free taco's makes anyone hot.
The girl at the liquor store remembered me as "the girl who pays in hundreds" so she didn't ID me
Randomize
