you have to be so drunk to ignore a taser
i hope whoever thought of bagged wine flip cup last night has the same hangover as me. not ok.
i really should have bought real food rather than condoms, olives, coleslaw and beer...
You only ask me to come over when your gf is gone, and thats usually at midnight to cook chicken salad and watch you pass out
Drunk me thought he was hot enough to overlook the fact that he had poison ivy and still have sex with him. Sober me wants to know if you have any calamine lotion.
He dared me to drink a bottle of olive oil in exchange for a 30 pack... So much for loosing the freshman fifteen this year.
His daughter is our waitress. I left her a ten dollar 'I'm sorry I'm a whore and fucked your dad' tip...
I'm wearing a real bra and real shoes. I look like a fucking lady.
So. How about you can get tequila certified...
Packing a mid day bowl in the Sonic parking lot. Have I gone too stoner?
New life goal: fuck in the shopping cart
drunk snapchatting is the worst, because i woke up with great pictures of my tits saved to my memories and no idea who i sent them to
Had to admit my broken elbow was caused by vodka, not hockey
I JUST PETTED A FUCKING SQUIRREL. A SQUIRREL.
I think I recall josh coming in to the room to tuck us in and give us a few condoms and I threw them back all furious and told him 'we don't use those.' Oh god
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