Do you know that poor pathetic girl that we should be friends with
Guess what I'm doing tomorrow?
Becoming a productive member of society?
Sam. Come on.
I just found little boats floating in my bathtub....they are made out of white castle boxes, condoms, pickles, and corks. All the wine we bought is being used as the "ocean"....clearly we didn't drink any of the wine.....but I don't remember doing this.
He just turned 21, it's very obvious the end of their relationship is near. Now we play the waiting game.
WHY IN THE FUCK DID YOU LET ME DRUNK PUNCH STEVE? HE IS SUCH A NICE GUY!
I almost lit my balls on fire tonight.
Asking the homeless man what buss shelter is the warmest was not a good idea
I think his roommates are using word magnets to tell me that they can hear us. His fridge currently says, "Chris ate out naughty girl."
So it turns out that my mom and her dad used to hook up when they were our age
Never been so glad that I look so much like my dad that there's no question as to my paternity
He had a drawn-on fu manchu and now my vagina has one too.
The lowest point of my life has been reached. I just drank half a jar of pasta sauce.
He finger blasted me like an angel dude
If I stopped drinking I'd have to take up murdering.
I know where his drugs are but not my pants
Oh god establish a safe word
I'm going to! Pineapple.
Randomize
