My bed smells like naked
Haha. At least it doesn't smell like herpes
worst. lesbian. ever. i'm not sure she knows a clit from a pencil eraser.
My history with restaurant waiters is severely limiting our dinner options.
I may have been hammered and in a wheelchair but I definitely remember asking the hospital reseptionist to marry me
I offered to go to AA with him...not because I am admitting I have a problem but because I want to see what they are saying about people like us.
my momz letting me make the christmas card in photoshop
so that means christmas in space?
imma make our dead cats ghosts like obi wan kenobi
Not sure if jager bombs can cure tuberculosis, but its a theory im testing as we speak
ive been a drunken mess for the last 5 days. i feel like a 19 year old again
Peeing off the roof of a motel lighting a cigar with matches and speaking fluent spanish with a chilen exchange student...how do iget into these situations?
Strangers are buying me shots and I got hit on by lesbians. How is it only tuesday
They think its so cute and admirable that I learned French. BITCH HAVE YOU NEVER HEARD OF GOOGLE TRANSLATE? sexting foreign bitches, there's an app for that
And then you two got up and shouted in near perfect unison "I'M ALWAYS A SLUT FOR BASKIN ROBBINS" The bar just looked at us horrified.
Don't do him, he's a Dolphins fan! A FUCKING DOLPHINS FAN!
Hey I’m obsessed with Charlie Heaton from stranger things...not because he got caught at the border with coke...okay that’s a lot of it
Guess who cheated on their SATs? Also on the same line guess who's getting in to Princeton at damn near free of charge?
Randomize