i saved all my weight watcher points for this alcohol
i just assumed he broke up with her because she wasn't a freshman anymore
I had to move some guys boxers out of the dryer. This is the closest I'll be getting to dick this month.
The guy in the library beside me just whipped out an entire loaf of bread, a knife and a container of peanut butter and is proceeding to make multiple sandwiches.
The last memory I have is vomiting into a box and her rubbing my back saying "you are such a trooper..."
Just saw a cop give four blondes gas for their car on their way to Vegas. They seriously ran out of gas and called 911 about it. Its like a porno plot.
I mean we had sex in a crib. You tell me how my night was.
I used his computer to order the pizza and the only thing he had in his search bar was 'text NASA'
God I feel like the rain man of hangovers.
At first I was a little embarrassed for sharting, but then i realized it was a bachelor party, and I went balls to the wall
HEY. NO. THIS IS ABOUT YOU RIGHT NOW. YOUR COCK, MY MOUTH, THATS IT.
You are the jesus of drinking
There is a goat eating lettuce out of our fridge. Do you wanna grab a bloody mary?
I also tried to hide a bottle of vodka in a build a bear last night so that something that happened in my life
he just asked me that if he was a penguin and I was a penguin if I would fuck him
Randomize
