I'll probably hate you when I'm sober
a pedometer??? no beatles?Steve jobs just took a dump in CA and it landed on my heart
oh hey just found a glowstick in my tits. fuck yes new years eve
I think I am the only girl in the world who would be proud of these scars from rug burn.
According to google history I spent most of last night trying to buy an elephant.
He asked me to grab his balls and yell "thats a spicy meat-a-ball" Last time I do requests.
Responsible roommate: 1. Someone who takes a huge shit at work so as not to clog the toilet at home.
After her AA meeting, she was on the phone with her mom, and when she said, "they're making me start over with Step 1," I quietly sang, "cut a hole in the box".
As I read your response saying I need a tan before I can become a go-go dancer, a girl cane up to work and gave me 10 coupons for 100 days of tanning for a dollar.
This is fate. You were destined to be a stripper.
You very well can't change your mind now. It would upset the natural flow of life.
I told people at my moms bar that all I needed to sober up was to get my asshole licked, and I blame you 110%.
I look at it as community service. He was going through a rough time and I gave him an ego boost. That's how we're going to remember it. I was doing a good deed lol
It's called life, you pretentious bitch. Grow up.
I literally just woke up in a dog bed, in a bathtub in someone else's house...and I'm not wearing pants
sorry didn’t mean to call you, i was just trying to put the t-rex emoji beside your name
Too hungover to brush my teeth. took a swig of menthol schnapps instead. lazy or incredibly efficient?
Youre my hero
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