You were wearing a sombrero. And a crown. And told me to use the nerf gun to protect your room from the cat. You don't have a cat.
You know what, matt, a girl is not really that interested in a relationship if she goes down on you the first time she meets you
Wow i just got reported to security for being a homeless person trying to break into the library.
I think I'm drunk. That wine was old. I found it behind the water heater next to the mouse poison.
I can't feel my brain.
I just realized that my phone was set to Brazilian time...what the fuck happened last night
I'm not upset because i like you. I'm upset because I can't use you for the sex anymore.
She kept looking at me and saying "you are the scary high".
she left with her roommate. or at least i think she did. but i also just thought i ate candy corn but i'm hal convinced it was candle wax.
he fucked me so hard i could feel my pelvis shifting. like i legit feel more prepared for childirth now
Idk man, she was drunker than me and i was sitting there talking to a raccoon about it's broken leg.
I told him not to mix beer with his Dr. Pepper...his reply was "i'm a grown ass man i'll do what i want". Judging by the sounds coming out of the bathroom he regrets not listening to me.
I'm just going to lay in a blanket cocoon of self pity for the next few months.
You want to get day drunk this afternoon and watch these guys build a house across the street?
You woke up in between the boxspring and the matress in a random dorm room.
There. There is gum on my butt cheek IT IS NOT MINE
Randomize
