before smithy murders me i need you to know 3 things. 1) i got with smithy's little sister last night. 2) i will always love you like my own brother. 3) smithy's little sis digs anal.
we sang an acapella version of barbara ann to his voicemail...i'm not drinking again until tuesday.
the girl sitting next to me in class is using her birth control box as a ruler
apparently he couldn't remember my name so he refereed to me as whats-her-boobs and everyone knew that it was me he was talking about
I wish I still had pics from the prostitute I paid/dated
When I came in she was screaming "boundaries!" at the cat because it was trying to eat her pizza rolls.
captain&coke to the library. STAT. this is an emergency. this is not a drill. I repeat: THIS IS NOT A DRILL.
Know what's awesome? Flying a mini helicopter while you shit.
Well I blew a guy I barely know in full view of a homeless camp. That's pretty tame for me.
I've got mace and a condom. Ready to roll either way and keeping my pimp hand strong.
Also this freshmen guy is talking about his gag reflex and no one is making blowjob jokes. I have no faith in the next generation.
You had a fry stuck to your face... Every five mins you would wake up, take a bite, put it back then fall asleep again...
I looked so sad that Jessica gave me a bar of soap. So that's where I'm at.
She's trying to change her flight... IM BEING COCKBLOCKED BY DELTA CUSTOMER SERVICE
dude the dog literally grabbed the condom out of the trash can and threw it in the air i'm screaming
Randomize
