everytime i eat a fruit i feel like i'm eating ovaries
he said i'm too pretty to suck penis
She calls her new ritual "bed, bath, and beyond crunk". Hence why I found her passed out in my bath tub this morning.
she made my bed before she left. i think i'm gonna keep banging her to get the housework done
I don't think anyone has ever said "boy I'm glad I took those shots of everclear" when they wake up
I'm so proud of your ability to turn my Charlie horse last night into anal sex.
I just found a list in your handwriting titled "Places I've Peed." The National Mall and 'under the second bridge after the bend in the road' are two of the tamer entries. I tip my hat.
you're avoiding the subject, i want to know how you ended up at the strip club with the dog, fucker
Okay. So my choices are the sleeping Guy who looks about twelve and a man that looks like he was the original sandman. Im gonna need a beer for this......
I feel like my nipples were chewed on by alligators.
We need a fire pit. Meat. And a keg.I mean like a cow we just carve from. And cook it. We can use the milk from the udder to make White Russians
They were supposed to legalize it when there was a chance someone might actually propose to me. I'm appealing this bullshit.
Welp... sober this am and I still have a parrot.
Oh also we fucked while one of the old Rudolph movies was playing on tv so it was festive
You like that 95% of the time I masterbate I think bout you?
Just wanna know what I can I do to earn the other 5%
Randomize
