You look like a girl that would like strip clubs
i just woke up in the woods behind my house in handcuffs and a dan marino jersey ive never seen before
I found my crush's facebook page. And his wife's. Apparently they are still in love. Of all the people to have happy marriages! Fuck, I'm depressed.
FYI, if you pee in my bed (or even let R___ and E___ sleep in it), I will fart loudly during your wedding vows. Trust.
Tonight I think I'm going to go out with a french braid so I don't wake up with puke hair. Thoughts?
And your mom thought you weren't even thinking about your future... she would be proud
today is the best snowday of my entire life. also its no shirt day.
You took a bag of frozen peas to bed wiith you "to help with the inflamation".
He got kicked out 3 times. I have no idea how he kept getting back in. I saw him walking on the highway the next morning.
It's 3:30pm, I've been out of bed for an hour and spent most of that barfing. We're switching to beer next debate.
YOU WOULD BE SEEING ME. IN MY KITCHEN. BENDING OVER MY OVEN. MAKING YOU CAKE.
Wait, that's an option?
You had sex with a mute, how is that not funny
He took my necklace off while we were 69ing. His tongue never stopped moving either. Take that, guys who can't figure out how bras work.
ps. i have two very important words to sum up my night
which are?
library sex.
He spent three years trying to get a chance with me and finally broke me down. then he came in two minutes and was so upset he locked himself in the bathroom so I helped myself to his weed and left. Wanna get stoned?
I broke my wrist trying to give him a blow job...
And this is why we can’t have nice things
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