I went to the gynecologist and they said, "you're the most fun person we've ever had," and i thought, "that's exactly why i'm here!"
Now that world cup is done, funneling out of a vuvuzela has lost its fun
He puked at the bar then immediately procceded to slip in it, they loaded him up into a wheelchair, then the staff and myself walked him outside, all the while never having to pay for our tab. SO using this strategy again
Remember that foreign guy who never talked last night? He just came out of my bathroom when I woke up.
Thats why you always identify the subtext of a blowjob before you accept it.
There's a big hole in the wall at the dining hall. I hope we didn't do
The gym is handing out free condoms this week, motivation to work out this week?
I don't think I have but I might've died. If I have then come get me, I'm in the flower bed. And still game.
her best friend is in town and she told me that they used to fool around when they were drunk and I'd have to "help keep that from happening"
you motherfucker
Dear female. Happy valentines day. If you have not had the pleasure of making love to me, please do not fret, I will get around to it soon enough. If you indeed have made love to me, then bravo, wasn't that grand! Perhaps we should do it again? Regardless, have a good day. This has been a public service announcement. Rock on.
Got stiff armed by the garbage man on the back of the truck...I just wanted to ride one block dude
Life is when you're laying naked in bed, eating Double Stuff Oreos with your boyfriend, blazed as fuck. Happy 4/20.
ETSY JUST SENT ME AN EMAIL WITH THE SUBJECT "SUMER ROMANCE" I'M BEYOND FUCKING DONE
The awkward moment your booty call shows up to the Mexican restaurant and realizes you just picked burritos over pussy
They say you need two forms of ID, but in reality 1 nice set of tits works every time
Randomize
