my grand plan for the evening is to do shots of vodka til i cant anymore
I acted like I was still sleeping as she gathered her stuff to leave.. that's when she let one rip
So I just introduced myself to this guy in front of me and now he's saving my pictures on facebook to his phone..
You dont ever try to use your dick as a power washer to get bits of poop of the toilet bowl?
we were wasted and he didn't have a condom so he called the front desk and asked for one. They didn't "officially" have them but the night manager happened to have one in his wallet. He brought it to the room with two mints.
mom came into my room and asked to borrow some condoms. We have gotten to the point where it's not awkward anymore.
He gets a blow job; I get my oil changed free of charge. And that way I only see him every 2500 miles.
Best part of having a window in your office is that you can leave through it when you shit your pants at work.
My eyes feel like they're throwing up and I am the only human on campus
Still slightly drunk, sitting in Hyde park village. Two small children are dancing and singing "call me maybe" on the fountain in front of me. Am I hallucinating?
WHY THE FUCK IS MY BATH TUB FILLED WITH MUD?!
1. You were drunk 2. You wanted a mud bath\n3. We tried to talk you out of it, but you kept throwing dirt at us
I CAN SPEAK THE LANGUAGE OF THE ANIMES.
The drag queen you used to date and the girl you brought over last night are discussing your sex noises in my living room. I'm changing my locks.
We have been dating for 5 months. I'm friends with his sister. Yet my number in his phone is still saved as "hot bartender"
Dont care about too tired for sex, thank you for leaving your laser pointer. I have now determined both my cats are stupid.
Randomize
