Made out with some random "plus sized" young lady. She let me kiss her boobies. It was like I was 6 months old again.
My hispanic family watching the world cup is getting too intense for me. a lit candle was just thrown at me because i walked by the tv.
the japanese bartender dressed as a cowboy in assless chaps just told me i was too drunk for another shot
We fucked in his mom's shower and all I could think about was being too old to be sneak banging while someone's mom was out of town and how much mildew was on the shower curtain. Fuck you, Adulthood.
She's in the bathroom. Literally just told me she could make a guy cum using just her words. Not bad for Sunday brunch.
We will go to karaoke
Okay, well, i'm covered in paint, haven't showered & have already been drinking, so if I fall on the floor in a blaze of depeche mode & beer tears, you can't pretend you don't know me
Don't have sex in a tent there are so many opportunities for infections
Best case scenario you died and I melt into poo
It can't be easy when an alcoholic Russian is screaming to the entire dorm "he no get hard"
Leave it to you to bring a trash can into a fist fight.
We did hand stuff while watching teenage mutant ninja turtles so I guess you could say it's getting serious
Wait, I'm confused. I EMPTIED the bottle? as in consumed it? I'm impressed with myself.
yeah, my mom got it for me because it had animals AND alcohol.
I called him my big strong man today. It's all downhill from here. Matching Christmas sweaters, here we come
I'm really sorry I called you a "smug, arrogant, boyfriend-fucking piece of defecation". I was super drunk.
I was going to be mad, but then I remembered you don't use autocorrect and spelled everything correctly and I was kinda impressed.
Randomize
