yo i have your phone
... oh so you probably won't get this message
Just ran to the store on my way to the office to buy Diet Coke...the guy in front of me let me cut because it was 4 more minutes until 8am, so he wouldn't be able to purchase his vodka. I love Wisconsin
overheard a conversation between 2 lesbians: 'back when I used to have dick sex...' oh, vegas, I so heart you
im sitting in a tub with a sombrero on.. im just kind of confused.
They told me you were taking cheese cube shots and chasing them with barbecue sauce... Is this true?
Only I would come home from a random banging with beer and watermelon
Just took 4 secret shots in his bathroom to not remember him naked.
ME TOO. Am adrunk madr out qith. White guy. Guy de white. Blanco chico. Chico de blanco
I'm mad at him and disappointed with you. It's like I put a bunch of effort into a PowerPoint of "what not to do with Zach" to show you and the first bullet point was "do not love him" and you're just disregarding all my effort and friendship.
I have to make mistakes myself to learn from them
FUCK YOU I AM MAKING A POWERPOINT
Just told my mom I need money for Molly. She was not happy
Do u remember giving me permission to fuck ur dad and then getting super pissed at me when i said ew?
It's a noodle incident. All I can say is that it was completely accidental, no one was too seriously injured, and I'm not allowed back to that bar without a designated pusher for my wheelchair.
I'm naked on my couch and just ate a chip that was in my belly button.. my 20s have been weird.
I've never been so drunk at home. I just sat on the toilet playing with toilet paper for ten minutes, I almost made a paper crane.
I just thought I should tell you that I always know what you are doing. Everywhere. Every time. -Your loving Mother
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