my iphone just auto-corrected drink to drnknghhhg...
There are rumors he has a square penis....ill do anything though....
Just getting around to doing laundry. Jesus there's a lot of blood on my birthday dress.
watchout when you come home, dougs at the top of the stairs naked eating doritos
Just tried to fight the dj at cowboys because he would'nt play freebird. Pick me up now.
I asked her if she wanted to make this a permanent exclusive thing instead of a fuck buddy thing, and she just looked at me like I'm an idiot.
That's because you are an idiot.
You would be married by May if you put half as much energy into getting straight guys as you do into getting gay guys
Alright dude i'm gonna go to go sleep off this soberness. my life is a cosmic joke
As the bouncer was escorting you out, you yelled "keep your filthy dick beaters off me!"
if i ever wake up in the morning and don't feel a boner in my asscrack then this relationship is over
5 hours of volunteer work playing with puppies and banned from the frat I hate most as 'punishment'... Besides the ER trip, I'm not seeing the bad in this situation
Although can we find me a starter dick? I don't want security showing up again. That was awkward.
I'm in the liquor store and fucking "Wannabe" by the Spice Girls is playing. IM ALREADY ASHAMED OF MY REASON FOR BEING HERE, GIVE ME A BREAK.
hopefully I won't be diving through a thorn bush to escape an explosion this time
let me assure you that a rugburn on your forehead is the worst side effect of tequila i have experienced to date.
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