Okay well someone asked "IS HE HOMELESS?" about me so I need to try and find somebody.
Just realized how many men I've had sex with for the first time in St. Patty's Day past. Currently sending "HAPPY SEXIVERSARY" texts...
I'm sitting at work trying to dust glitter off my pants. I can't hang out with her anymore.
I'm just walking around Lowe's groping the carpets....
I gave you a piece of bread to sober you up. You wiped your face off with it and then gave it back to me.
It is unclear if my flaming esophagus is hangover induced.
Fair warning birthday party last night avoid kitchen & upstairs bathroom if you value your remaining sanity
I miss forts and drugs that made me believe in unicorns...
Until you have had Country Grammar stuck in your head whilst writing a Supreme Court brief you've never lived.
BILL GATES DONALD TRUMP LET ME IN NOW
Woke up eating a pickle on the bathroom floor this morning in some random guys sweat pants.
Lol, yeah it'll be fun,but will it be cereal and dick pics fun?
Oh fuck, I'm officially a cougar..he's got the same name as my grandson
We got to the hospital and the girls who caused the accident had already added you on facebook.
the twins are trying to figure out which one is the one doing body shots off a janitor in this picture
Have I told you i love you?
there's no need we are two peas in a naughty pod of fuckery
Randomize
