im poppin the ladies like they're bacne
I just mistook a monk for someone with the newest colored snuggie.
you were trying to give my penis an indian burn.
You know you stopped at a liquor store to prepare for a 12-year-old's birthday party, right?
I basically get to watch her life fall apart via tumblr updates
The night started going downhill when I set my foot on fire.
Those titties aren't worth a lifetime of listening to her talk about gluten free yams and japanese manga.
I feel like delivery guys should know that when you order lunch for one and answer the door wearing sweatpants, there's no need to say "Happy Valentine's Day."
Valuable lesson learned: if you reach the point where you have to talk yourself in to finishing the last half of your beer, you shouldn't try.
Passed out mid cig in bed last night. Thank you cough for allowing me legal prescription hydrocodone.
Prob because you've thrown up alot. As long as its not like pure blood you're fine. Drink water.
Just yelled out loud for someone to buy me a drink, 30 seconds later random guy on grindr asks what I'm drinking.
There's a 98% chance your drink will taste like rohypnol
Me sprinting out of your house without my bra or shoes is our entire relationship defined in a single moment.
I am 95% sure I just heard my cat say "What are you doing home? It's Saturday night."
I am really drunk and also a zombie.
Randomize
