The police are arresting two women who got in a fight for the last Twilight DVD at Best Buy. Classic.
You know your in college when you use the receipt from the liquor store as a bookmark
his penis was the training wheels of my sex life
Best. Handjob. Ever.
I'm guessing Kelly is over?
Nope. Home alone.
i put his shirt in a ziplock bag to preserve his smell
please tell me you are kidding me
Our kitchen sink faucet is leaking, so I set a pitcher under it to catch water for Kool-Aid tomorrow rather than turn on the faucet. The environment owes me.
I think throwing up in my her purse is probably why we broke up
I obviously couldn't but this on your fbook wall. I would get judge. I would willingly get tbagged by him. You can quote me on that.
I ordered a million chicken go wraps and they gave me five. Even when im drunk I can count to a million and know its not five. They fucked me.
People were drinking out of 26ers with straws, and somewhere someone yelled "fill me with dicks!" I'm home.
You were riding my three year old's train yelling, 'I think I can, I think I can!!'
I thought I could.
I'm concerned that this blind man on the bus has a boner right now
All I remember is folk music and a lot of drugs. I am never going "on an adventure" with you again
I'm going to assume that "the army of generous folk dancers" is no longer a goal you are willing to fulfill
Update: That guy is no longer in the restroom, so he's probably not dead.
My little brother came home while I was sitting there icing my vagina with a bag of peas. Asshole looks at me, high fives Ryan, then leaves.
Randomize
