My jaw hurts. Such a slutty injury..
Professor used "ROFL" while grading my paper... Do I even go to a real college?
She was sitting there stuffing her face rubbing my back with a dorito cheese filled hand while eating something else with the other hand as I was crying.
I legitimately just tried to piss above my head. I got to my chest at highest. There's piss everywhere.
Tell him next time im gonna be "disgrace to the family" drunk
i'm going to invent a mini fridge that can hang from faucets so i don't have to get out of the bathtub anymore for a cold beer. its a million dollar idea
She said "I've been waiting to suck your cock since high school." I'm so glad so many freshmen are from our school.
I just looked into the eyes of the man whose car I peed on last night
But the drunk streaking fizzled when one of jake's friends took a piss while running with a massive erection.
I started scrolling back in our texts looking for context and a picture of your dick rose like the Great Pumpkin in the middle of my screen.
I was trying to fart in my sleep in the hopes that he would leave
Well if she's the kinda girl that doesn't want you after seeing a pic of your balls squeezed together, she's not the girl for you.
Where are you? Your parents are here. Their flight got in early.
Trashy Tequila Tuesdays. Have them meet me here @ the bar.
I'm not sending your parents to see you drunk at a gay bar. What kind of boyfriend do you think I am?
A great one. Entertain them i'll be home soon....... I think
Were you citizens arresting people again last night?
It's my day off, I'm going to Target to check out Moms in yoga pants
Randomize
