I'm so fucking centered right now
I accidentally broke up with him while I was drunk which is really too bad since I'd just gotten a birth control perscription so we could start having sex.
Do you think he'd take me back if I said "dude, we need to get back together or this IUD is going to have an existential crisis for not realizing its full potential"?
See it, we're so close, i smell your vagisil
My vagina smells like strawberry tangerine twist.
yeah, he just sent me a picture of himself with his shirt off.... It didnt turn me on, it just made me want to buy him a big mac....
He came on my chin and called me cumbledore. i give up.
I changed the background on my phone to a picture of you so whenever I go to look at porn or text another girl I'll have second thoughts
Am I supposed to find that romantic?
Don't worry that pussy is fresh, I'd brush my teeth with it.
There are apples in the microwave and a cup of twigs in the fridge. I think she's hiding in the pantry, I can hear her giggling. Leaving her to it.
I already banned bobbing for apples. While drunk that's just drowning near fruit.
Trying to coordinate a drug deal while taking a psych test is not easy.
I did it again.
I drunk texted John McCain.
I will find, mount, and marry that person.
My friends said as soon as you walked in, I motor boated you like there was no tomorrow.
Yeah, I liked it.
One of my tenants at my fourplex that I own gave me a massive bag of severely dank pot and a brick of cocaine because she didn't have the cash to pay the rent. She might just be my favorite tenant!
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