just thought you should know that she got home at about 6am.... totally wasted. she was locked out and when i finally came to the door she was on a patio across the street with some random making hotdogs on somebodys elses bbq.
that's like riding a pigeon when you could fuck a bald eagle
I just imagined your drunkass eating Taco Bell in my living room. This is the Godmother of my potential child.
Nothing like a Mormon bachlorette party to make you feel slutty
Found a single cinnamon toast crunch between my butt cheeks. We did work last night
This is the minute she broke up with me. If you're receiving this mass text, you are one for the girls who made me promise to text you at this point.
You declared war on your ex and then had sex with who you thought was her sister. No one knows who she was but we think your dick might be in danger.
Sooo Zach and Judd are on my porch drunk eating leaves and flowers...
Now that I've quit blow, I think I'm allergic to my cat....
The moment I was petting the giraffe was the moment I passed out
I am harder than a fucking diamond and Michael Bolton is playing. Your move.
Will you remind me I changed my hotspot phone password to fuckyouprivilegedwhitedude
I mean there are real risks associated with having unprotected sex, but I don’t think I need to worry about a ghost possessing me and having unprotected sex while using my body
What better than a girl who loves jager, sexts like a champ and is down for t-bell at any hours of the night? oh wait, NOTHING.
I'll text you tomorrow when I'm not in someone's torture cave if I don't by noon call for help.
Randomize
