I was staring at you from my window across the quad. I wanted to let you know so it's not creepy
The guy in front of me in line at Starbucks looks kinda like Danica Patrick except he has a huge boner.
I'd steal beers with my tail. If I were a monkey.
I feel as though the word "tired" has become synonymous with "too high to manage the stairs" lately
Well, they emptied out the keg by the third kegstand for America.
For future reference "bring our litter sisters on our date day" is not such a good idea
Was having a panic attack, but I'm out of xanax. Substituting with vodka shots and breathing exercises. My therapist will be proud, yes?
1st rule of birth control pills: do not stop taking birth control pills. 2nd rule of birth control pills: do NOT STOP taking birth control pills.
This is what we get for YOLOing our way to obesity
the guy sitting next to me at the bar has a patrick swayze tattoo hovering over a roast beef sandwich. 'merica.
he told me it was nice to see me not blacked out mumbling to myself in the front seat, I told him it was nice to see him not in handcuffs.
i just googled coccaine effects on sexual performance..maybe im dating the wrong guy
Ain't no cockblock like hearing the word"HOOODOOORR!" shouted from the bedroom floor while in the middle of sex.
Well, I'll handle this like I always do. Black the fuck out, make out with randoms, give out my number like candy. You know. Standard operating procedure
These rednecks don't fuck around. This party is completely BYOB and we now have 6 kegs, 3 of which have already been emptied.
Randomize
