Last night my friend tried to make out with me in an olive garden. Ahahah
Nothing says 'I love you' like never ending salad and breadsticks
i swear to god her finding her clit was like looking for a sock in a dryer full of beach towels
I had a terrible day! The only thing that makes me feel better is knowing Jack Bauers day was worse.
Just found a shot glass and plan b in my backpack...
Im guessing the shot glass is for plan c?
I mean I had a leg brace. It would have been irresponsible for me to be on top.
Wedding update: no alcohol, 75% of people have left, no one is dancing, no single groomsmen, and it's 5:30. I'm going the fuck home to drink by myself.
we came up with a wnba drinking game. take a shot every play that you could've done better. won't make it through 1st quartar
University has ruined us all. I just had to clarify the last time I had sex as "No, not at the party we crawled home from in the snow. It was the one where you puked off the balcony and hit the barbecue."
Just to clarify, I'm still tripping balls
On an unrelated note, I've come up with a theory of everything
God is tempting me with everything tonight. Brownies and dick, mostly.
My apartment looks like the apocalypse of sobriety.
He obv doesn't know that telling a woman to chill will get him murdered
Cmon. I wasn't that bad.
You stumbled ass first into the litter box, and everytime we tried to get you to move you said " if I fits. I sits."
Thanks for supporting me through Robs retirement. I'm still in shock, but your dick helped.
Like how do you live your life and have never made a grilled cheese? The audacity of some people
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