how come the more i say "don't get it in my eyes," the more gets in my eyes
If I had a nickel for every time somebody called me a bad person I would have enough money to check into rehab
I just had a 2 1/2 hr conversation about the pros and cons of taping your ballsack to your taint, which then led into the unveilling of lady gaga being a hermaphrodite.
how do you tell a roommate that having sex on your bottom bunk is not appropriate even if she has a top bunk that's hard to climb to?
I don't know which is worse: knowing all the free porn websites, or knowing which days they update their free porn.
Sometimes, in the course of human events, people get lit on fire.
Someone played tic tac toe on my abs?
i was way too optimistic last night... got back to my apartment and the porch light was still on, like i'd actually make it all the way home.
Some guy thought i was the waitress and handed me his credit card. drinks on me.
Walked up in time to hear him say "you saw I was in a relationship on facebook? So why are you holding my nuts?" To her. That's loyalty man
did you just take a shot to penises and friendship?
Just took a shot of 151, rimmned my middle finger in it, lit it on fire and lit a cigarette off it while flicking off my boss. How was your night??
I got the beer and the first aid kit. You get the tequila and burn cream. We should be set for the camping trip.
I legit just quacked out loud at a duck on campus. Realized after that there were people around me, they looked at me funny...
I just saw a chick driving drinking a juice box smoking all while on the phone that is talent
Randomize