speaking of unleashing monsters, we need to get condoms
Friends are holding an intervention and have no idea this gatorade is half vodka. This is gonna be the best intervention ever.
Just had a nice conversation with my landlord while cleaning your puke off my car
there was so much ham clogging the tub drain.. he said it was ok he has a cleaning lady
You stole a frozen pizza from the freezer, stuffed it in the back of your shirt then proceeded to leave the party.
If I had to summarise my weekend I would do so using the words "horrifying romanian moonshine"
That man gives me hope. I can't help it. And by "hope" I mean "wood."
It's hard to judge what a reasonable amount of cereal looks like in the spaghetti pot. We're out of cap'n crunch and milk.
It was like a square peg in a round hole... I've never seen one shaped like a stick of butter...
moms trying to set me up with a 28 year old. hes graduated university like im getting high in my bed and he's an adult
I'm so stoned I just sat here for like at least 45 min thinking about how I would get some jack in the box tacos if only I knew where my wallet was and then I kind of blinked and finally noticed I had literally been staring at my wallet the ENTIRE fucking time
He offered to take me to my appointment after breakfast then kind of just sat there and watched me get a papsmier. Most awkward first date ever.
If you break up with me one more time it's over.
Who told you he won a fight? He slammed his face into the ground while trying to do 11 push-ups
Yep, you're going to hell.
I take on this great possibility with a beer in one hand and the girl I'm gonna fuck later in the other
Randomize
