A cab driver remembered me by name, address, and ex fuck buddys nick name from a year ago. I mustve been one memorable shit show.
As I was leaving the drunk tank the cop told me he had a feeling we would be meeting again real soon.
Im about to shotgun a beer using my mother's knitting needles. home sweet home.
if theres anything i pride myself on, its my ability to look homeless.
Why was there a 1000 piece puzzle covered in hot sauce being cooked in the microwave?
Just walked into a random hotel for the free breakfast. How was your night?
I told her that I was going up to my room to lay in front of a fan without pants on, watching Avengers and she still wanted to get with me. I have to marry her.
How do I enter a double puke and rally into my calorie counter?
I'm getting kicked out of the place we're at. They don't like ketchup on their walls..
I wish on days I started my period Chipotle would come to my house with a burrito bar ... Then give me a chocolate cake and a large beer.
Apparently it's bring your ugly annoying ass piece of shit slob of a baby day at work
I think tonight's gonna be the night I wear a go pro while trippin on acid
I'm going to give you the best blowjob of your life. And yes you can use my mom's printer.
Can I drink yet?
It's Monday morning.
Your point?
she broke the sink..i repeat the sink is off the wall. send help
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