You're mentally unstable and I would hate to be you
So you maybe wanna hang out again? I could use the $5
Whatever I can do to help stimulate the economy
Awww my brother is growing up soo fast!! He just gave me the, "I know you're high but I won't tell mom n dad" look!
so my 6 year old came home from school and asked me if he was a bastard cause the kids at school called him one, i told him to call them a clit. those parents will hate me
There is an old man sitting across from me. Phone rang and his ringtone is children giggling, I'm not safe here.
the majority of my texts from you are at 3 AM & consist of either "I'm drunk", "you're asian", or "bratwurst"
Just because its your birthday does not mean u can play quarters by dropping quarters into cups to make me drink.
The liquor store guy just accused me of buying alcohol of minors due to how many bottles I got. The guy should be used to this from me.
I just threw up blood. Also i just remembered i got hit in the face with a 2 by 4.
I was basically shocked at how calmly you accepted my violently shoving a french fry in your mouth.
There is no amount of alcohol that can make me forget I had a Jimmy Kimmel sex dream
My roommate was being an ass so I put everyone's drinks/shots on his tab for the entire night. Then when we left he was telling me how he got out cheaper than last time.
Does it qualify as sexting if you're both pretending to be fictional characters?
I'm not sure whether to be proud of you or weirded out.
There's tequila in my general area. Please pray for me.
What a way to start the day. Staring at penis for 3 hours
It's pretty much my favorite thing ever
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