I just cut my nipple shaving
is 1am too late, or too early to make bacon?
i can't believe i had a foursome before a threesome
Oh my god my life; so much cake and so little sex
you wanted the guy to gift wrap the condoms
Count me out. I seem to have semen induced blindness in one eye.
You were carrying around a milk crate, randomly putting it down calling out 'praise be to the milk gods' and making people pray to it.
I think not having bongs in close range is good for my academia
I pulled my bra outta my purse. Covered in honey mustard. I still lack an explanation.
Someone left their drag queen on my couch. On the plus side, he sure does know how to make a mean cup of coffee.
Opened the apartment door and the smell of sex and weed literally slapped me across the face. Kudos.
I'm running on two hours of sleep, a shot of vodka, and half of a granola bar. I can't be held responsible for what I do.
What i love about my dog is i can lay in bed and masturbate with him at the foot, and he just leaves me alone.
i’m blowing bubbles in my bloody mary so yeah it’s pretty much time to go
I'm the only person I know that carries solo cups, shot glasses, ping pong balls, two decks of cards, and a lawn chair in his trunk. I'm ready to turn anything, anywhere into a party.
Randomize
