dude, your ex-bf is on match.com
details on that.
well, his profile doesn't say anything about herpes.
The cop didn't care that I was peeing on the wall of my dorm building... All he said was, "come on, it's 9am."
Can we please have a moment of silence for my reputation?
he fucked my hip out of place.
In case this wasn't clear when i said being his wingman was "hopeless", his date walked out on him when he poured a beer on his head trying to shotgun it
Just because its your birthday does not mean u can play quarters by dropping quarters into cups to make me drink.
She set fire to my carpet trying to power-dry puke covered cigs with Josh's blowtorch. How she found it in the garage is beyond me but if you bring her with you again I'll shoot you myself.
Meghan got a job at the bar. We're now morally obligated to drink. Is this what dreams are made of?
He probably tastes like german chocolate and coffee beans
Seriously though, my ovaries are trying to crawl out of my body and into his pants.
I just woke up under my desk. Not to worry though, no one is in the office yet
The girl in the stall next to me is puking her brains out, I'd say she had just a good a weekend as us
I gave her some alkaseltzer ad she looked at me lke I was god
Way to go. Now you have no beer and I have a cold tit.
I totally just pulled my thong out of my purse at the grocery store. Oops.
I've made a single handle of rum last like three weeks and my mom hasn't even acknowledged it.
You would be proud of me, I did not take a dab at work today.
Randomize
