3:40 am: you never wrote back on my facebook wall
I didn't know that people actually queef. Is this a real thing?
I believe so, yes.
Would you be offended if I asked if it has happened to you?
separated laundry into 'got laid' and 'didn't get laid' piles.
I sent out a mass text that said "margaritas for Jesus?" and nobody responded, worst Easter ever.
I think I'm dead. Why did I think it was a good idea to hang from the banister while someone poured liquor into my mouth?
Hey had an urgent voicemail from the Illinois national guard....have you been using my identity for your blackout weekend?
Yes and yes
I don't mean to insult you, but did you leave your training bra in my bedroom last night?
Oh fuck, I messaged a Jack Kerouac poem to a girl I'm trying to sleep with last night at 4am.
You told the cashier at McDonald's not to smell the ones cause you had just got back from the strip club. Good deed.
I just want someone to shove bread from panera down my throat
People will call it the Wrath of the Froyo. We'll be immortalized.
They gave me patron and potatoes I couldn't say no
Oh my god the guy at DQ just gave me the number 69 and winked at me
It's a shame things ended how they did. We were well on our way to transforming from acquaintances with benefits to friends with benefits.
Yah. I'm gonna lay you down and feed you grapes, except I'm gonna replace grapes for my balls
Randomize
