i'm going to be honest, my vagina smells.
The look your mother gives you when she sees you masterbating on web cam is unlike any I've seen before, but this is a case where, I would say, ignorance is bliss.
Woke up with a treasure map of my room stuck with sticky tape to my ceiling. followed it and found $75 with a note saying; "eat this if we're invaded"... I'm never getting stoned again
i think it would be like really awesome if scientist could genetically engineer manatees to be like the size of goldfish so i could have one in my fishbowl and be like FUCK YEAH TINY MANATEE
Fastest blow job ever. Though it was probably a good thing since we were in front of my house.
So the stripper who poured a beer on my head also gives great head. Even she doesn't know why she went home with me. No more mystery shot challenges.
It's amazing how not interested in talking to him I am since I've decided that he probably has chlamydia.
The door opens out but somehow she managed to kick it in..
I'd rather take 10 virginities than catch something. Right now I should be good, I mean the sex with Jake was so bad he can't possibly have an std
Like what? And no, shrooms cannot be party favors.
I just realized that Margarita Wednesdays are so much better now when followed by No Work Thursdays.
Was not aware that standing loudly up off the couch and loudly, drunkenly slurring "I'M EIGHTEEN NOW BITCHES" counted as a primitive mating call.
If you shit your pants and not say anything about it right before we have sex one more time I'm dumping you.
Hate my fucking roommates.... Seriously, who the FUCK peels potatoes in the bathroom sink?!
I am far too sober to understand you right now. sorry.
Randomize
