when your english prof writes "this was a real good paper" on your essay, you know you're at the wrong college
He had the Transformers symbol tattooed to his chest. We had to do it doggy style so I could laugh into my pillow instead of his face.
there's another hole in my ceiling...someone fell through the attic this time....
Sleeping with two different guys who share a driveway is getting increasingly challenging to keep secret
The guy I wanted to make out with just got beat up, let's roll.
Woke up with a full plate of KFC next to my face. I didn't really question it.
Sorry, but you probably shouldn't come over. I'm too sober for this.
Jake and I will do a protection ritual for ur dick I don't know where she has been
Apparently coming home smelling like I took a bath in beer is frowned upon in this household. I'm so glad I don't actually live here.
She called his dick the colossus. I dont give a fuck if shes his wingman, I gotta see this natural wonder
Well I just found the most comfortable way to pass out on my toilet if I ever have to.
Its a good thing to know for upcoming events.
My VP dropped me off at the Strip Club in Houston. Just said "I was never here".
Tomorrow is my favorite texting day of the year... It's where I send every guy I've had sex with this past year a text saying "happy not a Father's Day" and we laugh and I get so much dick it's wonderful.
Listening to sad Lana Del Rey songs together is an integral part of the lesbian bonding process
Get the fuck in, we're going to Taco Bell.
Randomize
