youre so sexy i want your bod
dude, did you turn gay?
heather?
this is jacob
i went to throw her on my bed and threw her straight in to my bike
i saw like six of her guido cousins in the jersey shore trailer alone. her family is having a dinner party for the premiere tonight.
i was like hansel and gretel. i puked a trail from mcdonalds to our place so i could find my way back in the morning
I'm more picky about my flip flops than the guys I sleep with
when i grow up i'm putting garbage disposals in all showers of my house so when you vomit in the shower its easy clean up
I refrained from asking a guy what he spilled on his dick because it smelled good. Morals.
It's called being normal.
Someone younger than me just got married. Send help and vodka
My mind just played a snippet of me asking to be a Joey and trying to climb into your apron pocket...
COME AND FUCKING GET ME I AM IN SOME SORT OF JUNKYARD!!!
Last 4 google searches: class c felony, scary ghosts, peanut butter jelly time, Lindsey lohans vagina
This girl was in the river screaming that someone didn't love her anymore...that's when the guy in a kilt claimed her...
i literally have the attention span of a weasel on steroids, but yeah, i know who you’re talking about.
It was probably the most embarrassing moment of my life. But I had cleavage, so I'm good!
i shit you not. the flight is delayed because they have to change fucking light bulb. all the airport bars are closed and my shit is in checked luggage.
Randomize
